In America, we use guns instead of knives and forks.

(via robdelaney)

This is why my diabetes is so out of hand.

I’d love this thing until my hungover-ass pours water into a plugged-in toaster. Then I’d be all “Ohhh, thats why they don’t make Teapot Toasters. Cause idiots like me exist.” Then I’d sue.

(via pixiesteahouse)